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Scientists Worried About Time Travel Announce Plans To Exterminate All Butterflies

DB Cooper • Nov 18, 2022 Thumbnail for "Scientists Worried About Time Travel Announce Plans To Exterminate All Butterflies"

In a shocking but prudent announcement from the Department of Theoretical Usefulness Physics at Fälschung University, a group of scientists worried about the implications of time travel laid out a comprehensive plan to exterminate all types of butterflies.

“We’ve worried about the butterfly problem ever since those aliens gave the government time travel tech back in the 80s — uh, I mean we’re worried because time travel seems increasingly plausible, not because we already have it,” said Dr. Ellbogen Patches during one of several exclusive interviews given to news sources after the announcement. He continued:

“Everyone knows that one flap of a butterfly’s wing could indirectly influence historical events; one flap or lack thereof might cause an earthquake that destroys half of the world. It’s really impossible to tell what an inexperienced time traveler could do, and so we’ve decided to remedy this problem once and for all by exterminating all butterflies... and moths too, just to be safe.”

The decision to eradicate all butterflies has been met with almost universal praise from scientific societies, who showed up in droves, bringing rolled up newspapers and fly swatters, for the official start of the campaign.

At press time, the honorary stomping of the first butterfly went horribly wrong when, just after the butterfly was crushed, a massive tornado swept through the stadium.