In an announcement that has rocked the criminal world, police reported yesterday that they had apprehended “the Hyena,” the world's most infamous jewel thief, after he spent too much time brainstorming a calling card midway through a heist of The Royal Asscher Diamond Company’s headquarters in Amsterdam.

Although he successfully bypassed all of the vault’s security measures, including laser fields, infrared cameras, and really creaky floorboards, “the Hyena” was apparently stymied by what trinket to leave at the scene of the crime, so much so that when the morning security guard arrived, he was still standing there lost in thought.

For more on this story, we implicated our Managing Editor Hudson Yon in an illegal international arms deal to get him into the same Supermax Prison as “the Hyena,” where he was able to secure an interview.

“I’d done heists before,” the Hyena said, “but my publicity agent told me that I needed a calling card to ‘establish a brand.’ I didn’t really think of it until I was standing next to the empty glass case. I thought about leaving playing cards or chess pieces, but I don’t actually know how to play chess and cards didn’t work because they put a lock on the max number of heists I could actually do. After I’ve stolen fifty-two gems, or fifty-four if you count jokers, then I’m shit out of luck. Movies don’t really encompass how creatively taxing coming up with a proper calling card is.”

As of press time, our Managing Editor Hudson Yon orchestrated his own criminal event, breaking out of Supermax Prison and leaving a Snitch tagline behind to mark the occasion.