Earlier today, in a promising but ultimately boring story, the Oregon Commissioner of Hiking and Tourism announced that a team of scientists has solved the “Tamolitch Pass Incident” which has been perplexing authorities for decades.

The incident, which involved the mysterious deaths of several hikers, has spawned many interesting theories including aliens, sasquatches, and ball lighting, any of which if proven true would fundamentally alter the way we see the world. Unfortunately, all of those cool explanations are apparently wrong.

Usually, we’d have a quote from the press conference here but no such recordings exist — after hearing the initial explanation about rockslides and hypothermia or some shit, all the press packed up and left. We had a reporter there, but he fell asleep after the commission introduced several charts and graphs showing the projected wind speed compared to sediment density gradient which would have been optimal in causing a rockslide.

We sent our Managing Editor Hudson Yon to investigate the area and hopefully spruce up this article with some painful antics, but he couldn’t find anything and came back after a couple hours completely unharmed.

So yeah, reality really dropped the ball on this one but we’ll be back next article with some more hilarious madcap adventures and poignant takes.