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Conservatives Baffled After Cross-Reference Of Constitution And Bible Does Not Reveal Location Of Democrats’ Evil Lair

Nicholas Daum • Feb 4, 2022 Thumbnail for "Conservatives Baffled After Cross-Reference Of Constitution And Bible Does Not Reveal Location Of Democrats’ Evil Lair"

Earlier this week, the GOP-supported team (nicknamed Get rid Of Unholy Traitors, or GET OUT) investigating Democrats ended their month-long operation in search of an evil lair hidden away from the public eye. Operation GET OUT, which was funded through a kickstarter created by Donald Trump, Tucker Carlson, and several liberals who assumed it was a joke, has not yielded any meaningful results. This comes after an extensive Cross-reference (pun fully intended - this is satirical journalism after all) of the US Constitution and the Bible, to the shock and dismay of many across the country.

We spoke with the spokesman of this operation, Judas Mohidduin, to gather more information about their process and findings.

“Truth be told,” commented Judas, “I’m at a loss for words right now. We did everything correctly and still found nothing. We began with the Second Amendment, obviously. From there, we worked our way through every Bible verse, from Genesis to Revelation, and tried to find any patterns between the two documents, like recurring words, phrases, or sentiments regarding the morally corrupt nature of the left. When that failed to indicate where Democrats may be hiding their weapons of mass destruction, we checked all other Amendments and Articles of the Constitution.”

“After all that, what do we have to show for all our hard work? Nothing, yet. But we are double checking the validity of the Bible we used, as there are several passages about giving to the poor and homeless”. At this point in the interview, Judas shuddered, “We believe this may be a misprint or a false copy.”

“Several other strategies were employed,” admitted Bible scholar and Fox News anchor Christian Smith. “After our original investigation failed, we stacked the two documents on top of one another and tried burning them for a message in the ashes. Good God, we’re desperate! On the plus side, this is the first time I’ve actually read the book. It’s pretty boring.”

Several members of the GOP in Congress have proposed a bill creating a national team to search for the Democrat’s hideout. An exacerbated President Biden attempted to reason with them, stating that if Democrats truly had a secret lair, Joe Manchin would have already told them about it.

At press time, the whereabouts of Jewish space lasers, Hillary Clinton’s child sex slaves, and 12 million Trump ballots are also unknown. Any information regarding these items should be anonymously emailed to Tucker Carlson, along with $20 that he promises he’ll pay you back.

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