With college admission letters coming in by the hundreds (and denials by the truckloads), many are breathing sighs of relief after having finished their tedious supplemental essays and videos. However, Ivy League Admissions offices, oblivious to the plight of students, are revealing their plans for next year’s cycle. We spoke with a vice-dean from Brown to gauge the severity of the damage.

“Really, it's not much more than what we have now,” revealed vice-dean Barclay Stourton Wigbert. “Firstly, applicants must write three additional essays, including their most traumatic childhood memory and how it has affected their academic performance. So, by the numbers stuff. Then, they simply have to provide a sample of their DNA, preferably by blood test.”

When asked what this DNA sample was for, Mr. Wigbert gave a cryptic answer about feeding the decomposing body of Edward Reginald Princeton.

“And finally, applicants are now required to engulf themselves in flames for 20 to 45 seconds, although more than 30 seconds is encouraged. Again, pretty standard stuff. We’re simply testing the mental and physical fortitude of our applicants, ensuring their commitment, resolve, and survival capabilities for fraternity hazing. Some members of our staff recommended 12 trials, like Heracles, but we were feeling generous.”

Already, applicants are swabbing their mouths and burning themselves alive to get that sweet, sweet hit of an acceptance letter and $200,000 in student loan debts. Accusations of fire-proof suits and parents ready with fire extinguishers are rampant, although several Ivies have assured worried parents of an opt-out option with the Gold Membership, which includes a small down payment, healthy kidney, and a pint of blood type AB Negative.

Many are questioning why students are putting themselves through the literal torture of applying to schools with -3% [sic] acceptance rates. But really, who wants to go to dumb people school?