The Catholic Church has received harsh backlash from many of its supporters after the declaration of a Seventh Crusade earlier this week. This news comes in the wake of the failed First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Crusades (although it should be noted that they almost won the Third). We spoke to our knight in residence, Sir Norbert Longstocking, to gauge his opinion of the situation.
“The good Church hath not only lost my respect, but also the trust of countless other brave men and horses,” commented Norbert in our interview. “This is the greatest travesty of our time, and I shall not stand for it! Wait, are we being filmed?”
At this point, we told him that he was not, in fact, being filmed. We lied. Sue us (but please don’t).
“Okay, good, because I only have to talk like that on the battlefield,” continued Norbert. “What a mouthful. Anyways, I’ve really lost faith in my Church. The first time, it was monumental and original: launch an attack against the heathens to retake the holy land. Plain and simple. I was even cool with the Second Crusade, and the Third was a wonderful return to form. But each successive one after that has just been let down after let down. It’s not even that we haven’t taken back Jerusalem anymore. What’s worse is that the Crusades have lost all artistic and military integrity, and I feel like the Pope is just milking these wars for all they’re worth. I mean, have you seen some of the mosaics they’re making of us right now? Completely unoriginal and lacking in depth perception. At some point, you have to bury the hatchet and call it quits. If I see one more woefully unprepared Holy Roman army being torn to shreds by superior Muslim warriors, I might just become a witch doctor.”
Norbert is not alone in his dissent. Louis the IX (or maybe the VIII?) threatened to deny funding for any new holy war, claiming the trope had, quite literally, been done to death. Other knights are going so far as to lay down their arms and take up other professions, such as putting Humpty together again.
The Vatican released a press statement earlier today defending the Pope’s actions. In this statement, the Pope pleaded that if we just give him one more chance, he promises God will finally listen and let the Christians claim victory. He also announced that all soldiers passing through Italy will now pay a 45% holy tax, up from 40% last week. More on the story soon.