Early this week, the government of Madagascar revealed a controversial censorship measure that it says is meant to prevent civil unrest: a total ban on all media in the popular “Plane of the Apes” franchise. When asked to provide a reason for outlawing the series, which includes several films, two TV series that nobody watched, and a book that only nerds read, the Malagasy legislative branch cited fears of an uprising from the island’s endemic lemur species.
“Those creepy little man-cats with their tiny thumbs and spooky eyes… ew! Imagine what horrors they would be capable of if they realized the power primates hold when united!” stated Senate President Herimanana Razafimahefa in an official statement on Wednesday.
Pressed for a further explanation, Razafimahefa jumped into a lengthy tirade. “Remember that despotic lemur tyrant from the documentary Madagascar? Recall, if you will, how he subjected those lemurs to his terrible will, forcing them to ‘move it move it’ lest they be crucified in front of a live audience… now imagine what he might do to human subjects!” At this point, the Senate President was escorted offstage, but he continued to rave. “It is this that we have acted to prevent! Without the inspiration of dangerous new ideas, the lemurs will stay complacent! For now we are safe!” Razafimahefa was by this point removed from the venue entirely.
Many citizens criticized this idea. One avid Planet of the Apes fan, Lee Murray, stated “This is a huge insult to discerning Apes enjoyers everywhere! Where on earth will we appreciate the beauty of a weird CGI chimp otherwise? Where will we get dialogue like ‘apes together strong?’ And why the hell would we lemurs [sic] want to take over Madagascar? They get fed delicious cheetos by tourists already.” At this, he opened a bag of the aforementioned chip and muttered “I’ve said too much.”
As of press time, reports have emerged of the films being smuggled into the country and distributed amongst the prosimian pests. Furthermore, several local snack factories have shut down without explanation, and Hudson Yon, our new managing editor and makeshift investigative reporter, has been dragged into the jungle by bushbabies.
