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Australian Ban On Importing Animals Found To Be Result Of Lobbying From Group Of Xenophobic Kangaroos

G’Dale, Mate • Dec 21, 2022 Thumbnail for "Australian Ban On Importing Animals Found To Be Result Of Lobbying From Group Of Xenophobic Kangaroos "

In a shocking report published yesterday by Snitch subsidiary ProPublica**, it came to light that Australia’s ban on the importation of foreign animals has nothing to do with protecting its ecosystem, and is, in fact, the result of years of lobbying from a group of incredibly racist kangaroos.

Using a new campaign finance transparency law, journalists were able to trace dark money ad contributions to the “Protect The Joeys” organization, an ultra-nationalist kangaroo group with a history of making inflammatory speciesist statements.

We tried to send our Managing Editor Tali Goelman to “the land down under” to get a statement. Unfortunately, as The Snitch is going through a financial rough spell, we had to use an old-fashioned method for getting to Australia: committing a bunch of crimes in England.

After the prison barge dropped Tali off in Canberra, he managed to secure an interview with one of the group’s leaders, Buck:

“Lemme git right into it. It’s a bloody shame what’s ‘appened to this country in the last few years. Ye had what I call “unlimited importation,” animals from all over the world, most of ‘em bludgers, swine, murderers, comin’ into our nation and wreakin’ havoc. ‘Protect The Joeys’ is just a good kangaroo’s response to bad policies. We’ve got chapters all over and we’ve been very effective in gettin’ policy passed, keeping those non-mars [non-marsupials] off our beautiful shores.”

As of press time, fractures are starting to form between the oversight board of “Protect the Joeys” and a splinter group of radical wallaby separatists protesting the board’s inclusion of purported moderate Ripper Murdock.