Late yesterday, in the wake of the storming of the U.S. Capital by rioters, many of whom were dressed as Vikings for some reason, a group of actual Viking raiders released a statement distancing themselves from the “violent and murderous” white supremacists who “in no way represent our values.”
Our Managing Editor, Caleb Levy, managed to get an interview with the Vikings’ spokesraider, Gudbrand the Blood-Soaked, by volunteering as a holumeen (rower) on Gudbrand’s longship Vindr.
“I do not profess to know much of your strange land beyond the sea, but I know that these men who clothe themselves like us are not Valhalla bound. They are thralls; they have no honor. In Västergötland when a new war-chief is chosen by a vote at the Althing, all men must bow and put aside their blood feuds. It was written by the Norns that the new Konungr shall be Joseph Biden, yet these honorless boys refuse to adhere to the lawspeakers and storm the Althing. We have an old Norse name for people like this—dipshits.”
Caleb continued his interview with berserker Ivarr Skull-Cracker as the Vindr beached outside of Lindisfarne abbey:
“I am disgusted by these timorous trothbreakers in your capital. There is a time and a place for ransacking; these brigands obviously don’t know that. A true and noble warrior knows that peace and war are intertwined like the roots of the world tree Yggdrasil.”
After finishing the interview, the Vikings proceeded to sack the abbey, looting priceless artifacts and setting fire to the priory.
