Weeks of stonewalling ended yesterday when, in a UN press conference, representatives from China finally caved to the demands of international governments and promised to punish the children who made the faulty rocket which, after weeks of deteriorating orbit, crashed into the Indian ocean last week.

We sent Snitch Managing Editor Caleb Levy to talk with the factory heads but unfortunately it seems that he was immediately pressed into service making microchips and we haven’t heard from him since. Oh well, at least he’s doing work somewhere.

Initially, the CCP refused to take responsibility for the shoddy craftsmanship which caused the rocket to plummet back to Earth. However, after widespread condemnation from world governments, they released a statement saying the crew of children who were responsible for building the rocket would be held accountable. The statement reads as follows:

“We had the utmost confidence in the team we assigned to build the rocket. When it came to Elmo dolls, the team had a 12% higher quality standard than the rest of the factory. We believe this was based on their overseers’ innovative new strategy of not feeding them until they were done with their work. However, we have learned from our mistake and can assure you that all those involved in the incident have been severely punished.”

At press time, the punishment had been rendered and the team that was responsible for making the rocket had been reassigned to the most disgraceful job of making Trump ties™.