Early this morning, it was confirmed by sources that a drunken Brett Kavanaugh had, after coming to work at the Supreme Court totally wasted, accidentally overturned a table, chairs, and Roe v. Wade.
Kavanaugh’s bender started when he and his bros PJ and Squee cracked open a case of some “crazy shit” that Squee had brewed in a bathtub in his garage. After three hours of fighting, vomiting, boofing, and ding dong ditching the White House, Kavanaugh had to leave, telling his bros:
“Aww shit dudes, sorry I gotta leave so early. I’ve used all my skip days, and old man Roberts is gonna have my ass if I blow off another case. Don’t pop that fifth keg ‘til I get back.”
A plastered Kavanaugh then stumbled to the Supreme Court, burst into the courtroom during oral arguments in a drunken stupor, and on his way to the bench, accidentally struck down a table covered with writs of certiorari, several chairs that Sonia Sotomayor had made after taking a woodworking class, and a woman’s right to bodily autonomy.
At press time, a now brutally hungover Kavanaugh was complaining about how the lawyers talked too loudly, and was nudging Gorsuch, asking if he had a pick-me-up bump of yayo.
