Earlier this month, the study of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick was revolutionized by the discovery of a forgotten journal stating a shocking revelation: Moby Dick is no metaphor; the author simply despised whales. The diary, found in a locked chest buried outside Melville’s Massachusetts home, was uncovered after a stampede of rogue literary analysts crushed the home and ransacked its surrounding neighborhood. The diary begins, “I can’t take it anymore. These stupid fucking English majors ruin everything.”
The following is an excerpt: “Oh my God, I’ve had it. They keep sending me letters asking the dumbest shit. ‘Herman, is Ishmael Jesus?’ ‘Herman, is Moby Dick a metaphor for an unattainable goal?’ NO! You dumb shits! It’s not a metaphor! I just despise whales and wanted to write about a guy who killed them!” The journal continues for several swear-word laden chapters, each dedicated to explaining how much the author hated whales.
Some English teachers struggled to make sense of the text; one B-CC staff member complained that it “lent credence to the nonsense theory that analysis is more than just parroting a teacher’s ideas.” A growing number of authors, meanwhile, felt emboldened by the discovery. While a few maintained that they had included intentional themes and overarching symbolism in their writing, authors like Stephen King said otherwise. “I’ve never even read IT,” admitted the master of horror himself, “I just did a shit ton of cocaine and then woke up with a complete manuscript in my hand.”
As of press time, scholars are desperately searching for evidence that the journal itself is a metaphor, and as such should not be taken literally.
