Late this week, Phillip Howards, a B-CC student who asked to remain anonymous, reported feeling hesitant about performing blood sacrifice to confirm his pact with the Old Ones due to the fact that their contract does not provide a dental plan.
Yes, despite consisting entirely of teeth (God, those teeth! How they gnash at nothing, their ever-shifting form unlike any earthly geometry), Mol’arrrgh the Biting Sorrow does not provide his cultists with orthodontic insurance. Nevertheless, Howards accepted their bargain. We sent Snitch Managing Editor Hudson Yon to inquire about his time in their service, though Howard was slowly going mad from their influence.
“Yes, yes …” muttered the student as he paced through his lair, an abandoned pool below the F-Wing basement, “Yes … interviewer, come in, come in … yes, sit right there, above the circle of dried blood … Hm? Oh, yes, dental. Yes, yes, it’s … a tragedy that they do not provide dental insurance … d-dental … dental … dental … dental.”
We have no further record of their conversation, as Hudson refuses to tell us what happened next. Nothing seems to be wrong with him except that he keeps vomiting up human teeth and trying to tear people’s jawbones off with his hands before devouring them.
As of press time, we’re investigating contracts with other Old Ones; one of particular note is the White Snake Queen, who has mandatory sensitivity training AND provides her thralls with the ability to regrow unhealthy teeth.
All hail the White Snake Queen, swallower of the stars! All hail the White Snake Queen, who will devour all light! Krey, Y’ya thanara di ymg, Yogshugg Azanah Uh’eog! Y’ya thanara di ymg!
