The United States has changed the world as we know it today. With its enormous economic, political, and scientific power, it has been an example for the rest of the world. Even though America has become a leader in modernity, many experts are concerned about the almost medieval practice of having knife fights in presidential debates not yet being retired, with our political expert, Dr. Verman Politiczuck, calling the non-retirement of knife fights “America’s one and only mistake.”
Politiczuck explains: “In the Middle Ages, candidates for various positions of royalty had to fight for their positions with knives and swords until their opponents would acquiesce or die. After America gained its independence, it inherited this ritual from England, and presidential candidates have been practicing it ever since.”
According to various historians, the greatest American presidential knife fights to date are the Lincoln-Douglas duels. Many people know of the The Lincoln-Douglas debates (commonly known as The Great Debates of 1858), but what many people don’t know is that after each debate, Lincoln and Douglas would hash it out in front of riled up audiences, which would bet on which candidate would either surrender or be mortally wounded.
Recently, one of the most revolutionary and consequential duels has been the Hillary vs. Trump Hofstra University Duel, where Hillary used a sharpened piece of email and Trump a machete provided to him by the New York Mob as weapons. The Hillary vs. Trump duel really demonstrated American creativity at its finest.
So, is it time to retire the knife fight portion of the presidential debates?
Dr. Politiczuck personally dislikes knife fights, but says: “In a 2018 poll, 79% of Americans said they supported knife fights, so I don’t think Americans are ready to see knife fights, one of their favorite debate activities alongside personal attacks on candidates’ families and threatening to throw other candidates in jail like a dictator, be removed so abruptly.”
But, despite many Americans vocally supporting knife fights in presidential debates, the Commission on Party Debates has stated that they will begin phasing out knife fights in exchange for gun fights, which they say are “much safer and easier to set up, as guns are cheaper and simpler to purchase than longswords, machetes, and katanas”.
Next week, we’ll ask whether or not it’s time to retire the “Start a War With Another Country” phase of the American presidency.
