Early this morning, major news sources including The New York Times, CNN, and MSNBC frantically released statements apologizing for making viewers picture Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) in a bathing suit after publishing headlines describing his escape from blizzard ravaged Texas to the beaches of Cancun, Mexico.
In response to widespread condemnation, CNN’s statement acknowledged the “psychological nightmare” they had put the country through, saying:
“We want to apologize for our gross irresponsibility in causing Americans to picture Ted Cruz shirtless, reclining on a beach chair, his pale and flabby skin baking under the sun. We recognize that we endangered the wellbeing of many Americans when we evoked a mental image of Ted Cruz with his mangy beard blending into his mullet and oily face contorted in a smarmy grin while sipping a piña colada as so many Texans froze.”
The apology from the NYT differed substantially; it included a chart that suggested coping strategies, like breathing exercises, mindfulness, and medically induced amnesia. The apology also warned against “counterproductive” coping strategies, like throwing your 10 and 12 year old daughters under the bus.
Until now, The Snitch has avoided this topic because of the danger picturing Ted Cruz in a bathing suit poses to America’s mental health. God-Emperor Dale has temporarily excommunicated me for bringing this topic up in the first place.
