Last week, researchers at the National Institutes of Health released a report that found that speaking the words “Minority Leader Mitch McConnell” is 100 times more potent a stimulant than pure cocaine. This revelation comes in the wake of a new epidemic spreading within US cities, where urban teenagers are getting high off the knowledge that Mitch McConnell will no longer be dictating the Senate.
The Snitch’s anonymous NIH insider, Antonius Kinyoun, said the following on the topic:
“We performed a correlational study on the effects of speaking this phrase in comparison to the effects of cocaine addiction. We found that those who used the phrase ‘Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’ showed signs of dopamine receptor degradation consistent with that of cocaine addicts after just one use. It appears as if there is a euphoric haze associated with the phrase.”
Eager to test the effects of this stimulant, we forced Managing Editor Caleb Levy to repeat the words “Minority Leader Mitch McConnell” while other Snitch staff observed. After just three repetitions, Caleb’s eyes rolled back in his head as he collapsed into a frothing heap. The observing Snitch members then proceeded to try the phrase out for themselves, neglecting to call an ambulance.
As of press time, a major scandal broke when it came to light that Majority Leader Chuck Schumer had collapsed in his office at Capitol Hill. A preliminary brain scan suggested he had overdosed on saying “Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.”
