Panic spread through a Siberian research facility today after junior scientist Rogózhin Karamazov realized he had accidentally swapped vials of the coronavirus vaccine with vials containing poison meant for critics of the Russian government.
“Oh man, they are going to fire me for this,” Karamazov said after realizing he had accidentally sent several vials of the Novichok nerve agent, used to kill dissenters and opposition leaders, to the Kremlin, instead of the untested coronavirus vaccine Sputnik-V.
“What do you mean the caps look exactly the same!” shouted Ivan Myshkin, Karamazov’s supervisor, after being informed of the mix up. “The burgundy caps are the poison! The scarlet caps are the COVID vaccine!”
At press time, it was reported that both the Kremlin officials and the targeted dissidents had begun feeling ill. Upon further analysis, The Snitch discovered that the completely untested COVID vaccine and the Novichok agent have similar effects.
Unable to face the consequences of their mistake, Karamazov and Myshkin attempted to ingest the Novichok agent rather than face their superiors, but accidentally chose a vial with a magenta cap containing a powerful laxative.
