There are many metrics by which one can rank the states — education rate, life expectancy, and number of Applebees from which I have received a lifetime ban, to name a few— and yet every single of them is missing something… the analytic mind of a Snitch humor writer. This is where I, a highly opinionated Snitch writer who has been to a whopping 12 of our nation’s 49 beautiful states, come in.

The first among our weekly reviews is Alabama, the epitome of the South’s most stereotypical aspects. Alabama is surpassed in political polarization and alligator-related deaths only by Mississippi and second-to-none when it comes to college football and jokes in poor taste that I won't repeat. It also has a space shuttle launch pad, which is pretty cool until you start wondering if we can trust the government of Alabama with ballistic technology (we cannot).

One also cannot deny the iconic status of the hilariously insensitive song Sweet Home Alabama, whose unabashed defense of Alabama is hampered somewhat by the fact that the only concrete virtues it names are blue skies, country music, and Alabama’s most racially tolerant Governor ever, George Wallace, who opposed integration.

Beyond this, a frankly uncomfortable amount of Alabama’s state symbols have an aura of Confederate nostalgia — in fact, Alabama’s state bird, the yellowhammer, comes from a term for Confederate soldiers, making it (arguably) the only state whose symbolic bird is racist.

Final Ratings:

Presence: ★☆☆☆☆
Having driven briefly through Alabama and also read several Wikipedia articles, I can say with certainty that I will not be visiting.
Function: ★☆☆☆☆
“We launch rockets” is cool, but Alabama contributes so little to our union that they apparently still want to leave.
Uncomfortable Symbology: ★★★★★
Please stop. I’m begging you. At least change the bird to a heron or something.