Oh, Alaska. What have we done to deserve you? Some 20,000 years ago, Alaska was the first part of North America that humans ever laid eyes on and, seeing the bears, wolves, sub-zero temperatures, and rampaging wooly mammoths, they cried “Thank God! It’s better than Russia!” I’m ashamed to say we’ve failed to maintain that energy; after the novelty wore off people migrated south, leaving Alaska with more black bears than people, and by the 18th century those damnable Tsarists stole it away from its rightful owners. Not that we’ve ever done that.
Alaska has the frontiers-y quality lesser states desperately imitate in spades: Texas is big? Alaska is twice the size. Montana is uninhabited? Alaska has 40% less people. For every piddly “Yellowstone” found in the lower 48, Alaska has glaciers, forests, oceans, and mountains to spare. The Last Frontier state looks down its nose at the pathetic songbirds, raccoons, and cows that represent lesser parts of the union, championed by the majestic moose and standing alone in its use of the willow ptarmigan (which is a sort of snow quail, or something to that effect) as a state bird. And while others may settle for just one, Alaska has twenty one beautiful official state languages in which to assert their clear superiority.
This isn’t to say Alaska is without flaw. It is, of course, well known for its cold temperatures and is consistently in danger of catastrophes like oil spills, landslides, and Sarah Palin. Even so, I cannot muster anything less than the utmost respect for the people of Alaska as a whole, and hope that they remain safe from the eerily-coordinated annual attacks of the polar bears.
Final Ratings:
Presence: ★★★★★
Despite our best efforts, we have yet to destroy Alaska’s natural beauty.
Function: ★★☆☆☆
Are Alaska’s oil, seafood, and timber industries environmentally destructive? Yes. But are they consistently dangerous for overworked and underpaid laborers? Also yes.
Bears: ★★★★★
When the ursine revolution comes, each Alaskan will have to kill more than one bear to come out alive. Godspeed, you glorious Northerners. You will be missed.
