Indiana is a state in the Midwest, which is known for its corn or something. It also provided the name of the Indiana Jones film series, and with a new movie coming summer 2023, it seems only fair to share my feelings.
Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark is a masterpiece. From its masterful use of pulpy adventure-story atmosphere to its surprising humor and consistently satisfying action, no movie before or since has ever captured the near-perfect ratio of elements that Raiders does: 15% actual archaeology, 30% ridiculous traps, and 45% Nazis dying ridiculous, gory deaths, as they deserve. The other 10% are the Uncomfortable 80’s Movie Scenes, a metric of film analysis I have developed from extensive research. Ever watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and cringed when they called each other slurs? Been forced to see Sixteen Candles and noticed the gong sound effect every time “Long Duck Dong” is onscreen? That’s a U8MS.
Temple of Doom is composed entirely of U8MS’s. “What if,” asked Steven Spielberg, bathing in his jacuzzi full of money, “what if rather than killing Nazis, Indy killed Indian cultists, and they, like, ate monkey brains, and chanted, and shit… wouldn’t that be cool,” and, without anyone to tell him to be normal, Spielberg proceeded to make the dumbest movie of all time.
After an embarrassment of a second film, Spielberg remembered the true meaning of Indiana Jones. It wasn’t about the money, or the special effects… it was about the almost comical deaths of dozens of Nazi goons. And so Indy returned to the Middle East in The Last Crusade, in a movie as good or arguably even better than Raiders, with a cast that greatly benefits from the addition of Indy’s father (Sean Connery).
And then Spielberg got too confident. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull revived the franchise and introduced aliens and nuclear bomb tests and shit and honestly everyone knows Crystal Skull sucks.
So, that’s the Indiana Jones series thus far in retrospect. The real question is: what comes next? Here’s my pitch: An aging Indy sneaks through a Mexican temple in 1985 when — TWIST! — it’s revealed that it’s actually a display in a museum! Indy has dementia! But then — TWIST! — he finds that he left notes for himself, directing him towards a hidden Aztec treasure stolen by the Spaniards and sent to South Africa, and follows them until — TWIST! — he finds that a group of evil Afrikaners is hot on his trail. They almost catch him but — TWIST! — Indy is saved by a clone of his dad, who pulls off one of the Afrikaner’s faces to reveal — TWIST! — it’s actually an alien, who unbuttons his coat to reveal that he is actually — TWIST! — a soviet alien, who’s been using Aztec technology to make Indy THINK he had dementia! He beats up the Aztec Soviet Afrikaans aliens and saves the artifact, reuniting with his fifth faceless love interest, a young American man named — TWIST! — Barack Obama.
Final Ratings:
Presence: ★★★★★
These movies kick ass!
Function: ★★★★☆
Teaches impressionable children the importance of throwing Nazis into airplane propellers, off of blimps, into cracks into the earth, etc.
Number of Good Movies: ★★☆☆☆
3 stars if my prediction is correct.
