After years of intensive study, a report published last week by several faculty members at Fälschung University traced the majority of the world’s problems to some British dude with a map. This overturns years of previously accepted academic scholarship which pointed to “a vengeful god” as the cause of the world’s problems.
For more on this story, we talked to the esteemed Dr. Herman Stresemann, Co-Associate Emeritus-Adjunct Professor of Northern Sub Hemisphere Historiographical Gender Studies, Super-Saharan Political Byzantinism 1901-1901, and Omnidirectional Afro-Eurasian Postmodern Micro-lit at Fälschung University.
“Now, many people these days, they look at a problem, and they say ‘how do we solve this?’ But here at Fälschung University, we apply a time-tested and novel approach to global issues by asking ‘who do we blame for this?’ And through my dedication and the dedication of twenty uncredited graduate students, I’ve finally been able to give you an answer to that question: some Brit with a map. In an analysis of over 95% of local, national, and international conflicts we found that the root cause could be directly linked to some crumpet munching, tea glugging, pith helmet wearing bastard scribbling lines on a map like a child on a back-of-menu maze. We can also verify with almost complete certainty that while this idiot was unknowingly creating the most intractable geopolitical conflicts, he was saying stuff like ‘tally-ho, I’ll surely get a knighthood for this’ and ‘toodle-pip, I can’t wait to see how proud of this my parents are, they’ll probably nod reservedly!’”
As of press time, Stresemann and his forty-five uncredited graduate students released a follow-up statement showing that, while not all of the map Brits were knighted, those who weren’t got a Nobel Peace Prize as consolation.
