In a press conference held yesterday by spokesperson John Colter, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced that they would be reintroducing bullies into Ms. Boyce’s AP Lang Class to control the nerd population, which has grown to an unmanageable level. This decision has garnered praise from many environmentalist groups and been touted as an example of the Biden Administration’s dedication to conservationist causes.
We sent Snitch Managing Editor Caleb Levy to speak with Ms. Boyce about the reintroduction program’s impact on her class:
“I applaud the Department of Interior for finally addressing this issue. Many think that bullies serve no purpose within the classroom ecosystem. I can tell you that that isn’t true. Without bullies to make rude remarks, whisper to their friends about ‘what a dork’ some kid is, or even to give a couple wedgies, the nerd population within the class grows exponentially. There used to only be 3-4 nerds in a class willing to endure ridicule due to their massive superiority complexes. Now it’s half the class. When I ask a question, those few awkward seconds before someone gives the answer are some of the only moments of peace I get during the day. Now there are nerds tripping over each other to answer questions first. Discussion questions without even the slightest political subtext routinely explode into full fledged debates. It’s unsustainable”
Caleb also talked to Ben Wilson, one of the bullies in the reintroduction, about his experiences.
“So yeah, these dweebs came to me asking bout some environment shit. Anyway I zoned out but I agreed cause they said I’d get SSL hours and be able to stomp some nerds. But when I got into this class it was just insane, everyone was shouting answers over each other, people had like, done the reading, it was fucking weird. But me and my bros had that place back to normal in no time, it musta been a record or some shit. Hey, you ask a lotta questions, what club did you say you work for again?”
At press time, we had to print and laminate a new fake press pass after our Managing Editor told us his had been flushed down a toilet.
