Disclaimer: This piece was published in accordance with The Snitch’s adherence to tackling the controversial topics that other publications are too scared to face (and those that garner the most views). This is most definitely a reflection of our opinions on The Rock. If you don’t like it, tough luck.
The Rock has been a fixture of the B-CC front lawn for decades, ever since it mysteriously appeared following a cult-like ritual performed by several drunk seniors. However, in recent years, this sacred object has been desecrated by so-called “do-gooders” in the community who are doing far from any good. In fact, this writer personally believes that it is time The Rock is removed from our school - permanently. Not only that, but the school has continuously refused requests to eliminate The Rock, so I am afraid nuclear assault is the only option left.
As anyone entering the school can see, our Rock is plastered in paint drawing attention to the police brutality and racial tensions of 2020. Firstly, this matter is clearly outdated: anyone with a calendar can see it is 2023. It’s been three years, so can we finally let go of these outdated causes? I haven’t read the news much recently, but based on well researched, anecdotal evidence, our neighborhoods seem safe and secure. In fact, several streets have been renamed, and many prominent politicians ‘stand in solidarity’, proving systematic racism to be over once and for all! I burn all my old calendars and family photos, and we must do the same with The Rock. Only with a thermonuclear weapon.
Secondly, our school should not raise awareness about such political issues as systemic racism, police brutality, or poverty. BCC’s first and foremost priority is to educate children, not facilitate discussions on current and relevant issues within a diverse and safe community. What’s next, an AP class on African American history? Well my only response is 43.0800° N, 77.6599° W, the coordinates which I will personally plug into the fission bomb’s GPS.
The Rock has become an active threat to the well-being of students at our school. An anonymous interview with a sophmore confirmed my suspicions; he admitted that The Rock was “dangerous … and scary … I can barely sleep at night … with that monstrosity… on campus.” It seems that the silent majority of BCC agrees that The Rock has to go… and yet, Administration does nothing. We need to take matters into our own hands.
As a wise man once said, “nuke ‘em”. Once the school and surrounding areas are evacuated, we must delete The Rock off the face of the earth once and for all. All it takes is one nuclear warhead to go ‘missing’ from the national stockpile - and who’s really counting anyways? We’ll make Chernobyl look like a walk in the park to protest this radical fixture, a sign of extremism and unhinged thinking. Once The Rock is up in flames, you’ll see. THEY’LL ALL SEE.
