Furious that such a ridiculous activity could destroy so much work, local enigma John Heller confirmed to sources that the years he had spent cultivating an aura of mystique were shattered by an inane ice breaker activity in second-semester AP Psych, saying:

“I mean I spend all this time building up a mysterious persona and then the next thing you know we’re playing ‘this or that’ and everyone knows I’ve got three sisters and a dog. I mean what was it all for?”

Heller had, since the third grade, refused to give away any of his personal information under any circumstance. When we asked why he had erected this barrier of perplexing mysticism he said:

“Well I guess since the cat is out of the bag now I might as well tell you.”

Heller then launched into a description of his personal life, which may have been the most boring conversation ever to have taken place. An earwitness told us that Heller’s personal life was as boring as “a nine-hundred-page 18th century novel about waiting in a line to buy shoes.” Not every earwitness was so lucky; our Managing Editor Tali Goelman was unable to escape in time and so fell into a boredom coma.

At press time, Heller had switched schools so he could restart building his baffling edifice.