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In Collegium 2021-2022

The Snitch Team • Jun 22, 2022 Thumbnail for "In Collegium 2021-2022"

It seems that The Snitch’s demise was greatly exaggerated! Was our long absence a demonstration of our characteristic lack of work ethic? Was it the writing monkeys’ push for a union after a third attempted coup resulting in half of the staff being kidnapped and managing Editor Hudson Yon losing all of his limbs? Or maybe it was just the result of our commitment to an ill-conceived April Fools Joke? Who knows.

With that out of the way, here is The Snitch’s graduating class of 2021-2022:

Name: Auguste Rame
Job Title On Resume: Editor in Chief
Actual Job Title: Consistent Meeting Attender, The One Who Holds Onto Power Only Because He Made The Website Three Years Ago And Has Not Touched It Since
Quote: “Interesting…”
Circumstances of Departure: After Canadian government officials lured Auguste to Montreal with copious amounts of (very delicious) poutine, he was brainwashed into someone who actually does work (a feat that many Canadian scientists thought impossible), leading to him co-founding thesnitch.ca, Canada’s Best Semi-Independent College Student Run Satire Publication That Rips Off The Snitch In The Montreal Area. He is so very, very sorey.

Name: Caleb Levy
Job Title On Resume: Editor in Chief
Actual Job Title: “Editor” in “Chief”
Quote: “I like your idea! Just a few points…”
Circumstances of Departure: Having survived the managing editor position with 75% of his limbs and at least ⅓ of his original brain cells, Caleb is ready to feign productivity at the college level. Maybe. He’ll get back to you on that.

Name: Benjy Eichner
Job Title on Resume: Head Writer
Actual Job Title: Third Wheel, The Responsible One, Sycophant-In-Chief
Quote: “So back to Snitch TV
Circumstances of Departure: After dragging the rest of The Snitch on another harebrained adventure to try and get content for Snitch TV, the rest of the group was finally able to ditch him somewhere in the middle of Ohio.

Name: Hudson Yon
Job Title on Resume: Managing Editor
Actual Job Title: The Editing Team, Designated Sacrifice to Satan
Quote: “I’m about to tear your article to smithereens!”
Circumstances of Departure: It turns out Snitch managing editors lose their immortality upon giving up the position. Regrettably, former Managing Editor Hudson Yon did not get the memo that he had been replaced and so promptly fell into an active volcano while reporting for some inane article for The Snitch. He did not return.

Name: Abby Kurtz
Job Title on Resume: Editor
Actual Job Title: The One Who Came in That Time
Quote: “Oh cool you got fries can I have some”
Circumstances of Departure: Conclusion of aforementioned Time

Name: Laurel Kane
Job Title on Resume: Writer
Actual Job Title: Only Wrote One Article, But Damn Was It Good
Quote: “I should make that an article…”
Circumstances of Departure: Drafted as the protagonist in a tragic play

Name: Evan Song
Job Title On Resume: Hard-Working Editor for the Snitch
Actual Job Title: Never-Working Editor for the Snitch
Quote: “Oh, you wanted ME to edit? I thought you meant some other Evan Song. That's my bad.”
Circumstances Of Departure: Evan died as he lived: not editing any articles. Some see his ghost floating around Maryland even still, as if he's bound to the state through higher education. While the circumstances behind his death remain unclear, the fact that he was seen arguing with Benjy beforehand has raised some people's suspicions. Also the fact that Benjy was seen stabbing him 14 times while shouting "Do your damn job!" Evan is survived by his parents, his sister, and his friend Benjy, who he often referred to as the "most trustworthy and least murderous individual I know."

Name: Curran Holden
Job Title on Resume: Writer Editor
Actual Job: Law Bitch
Quote: “So let me tell you about Finland’s legal system”
Circumstances of Departure: Curran perished while participating in an all-gavel battle royale. You know what they say: live by the gavel, die by the gavel. Curran Holden has given the following legal advice in parting:

  • Always lie under oath.
  • The very liberal courts are definitely on your side.
  • You have rights, I promise.

She is now off to the underworld of law school so she can fail law school. A g a i n.

Name: Natalie Weng
Job Title on Resume: Snitch Artist
Actual Job: Drawer
Quote: “Am I allowed to curse?”
Circumstances of Departure: Natalie was born on orthodox Jesus’ birthday in 2004. Like Jesus himself, she was our savior here at The Snitch. Also like the yassified child of a chick who lied about her virginity for clout, Natalie left us too soon. What sets Natalie apart from the rest of our graduating seniors is that she left before graduation, going missing mid-senior year as she pursued boyfriend after boyfriend faster than James Charles moves through teenage boys. A drawer at The Snitch, her art will always hold a place on our website because we forgot how to delete articles. Senior artist no-mo, RIP Natalie Weng. 2004-2021

Name: Casey Enright
Job Title on Resume: Writer/Editor
Actual Job Title: Who?
Quote: “Yo where’d you get those fries Abby?? Can I get some??”
Circumstances of Departure: i’m goin’! Oh iiiiii’m goin’!

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