“UNO!”

Everyone knows the tell-tale shout and its complementary card game. Uno fast became a family favorite in the years following its release in 1971 and has remained a popular attraction for gatherings involving both family and friends.

But not everyone knows the devastating health risks of playing such a game. A criminology report released just this month by the Federal Bureau of Investigation found that the chances of homicide by a family member or a close friend quintuple while playing Uno.

The Snitch interviewed several professionals investigating Uno criminology and its related murders. Dr. Anita Greene is a forensic scientist at the Bureau and was able to provide us with more information: “Oftentimes, we find that the common cause of death was strangulation”, Dr. Greene told Snitch reporters, “something interesting to think about is that there is always a huge stack of Draw Four cards in the discard pile.” Dr. Greene mused.

One crime scene investigator who wishes not to be named told The Snitch that the murders are becoming so frequent their colleagues had actually come up with a name for them.

“We call ‘em discarded”, said anonymous source Daniel Jones.

While these murderous times may be dark, we hope that ongoing investigations opened by federal and local law enforcement will help shine light on Uno-related incidents. But as of now, we encourage our readers to stay safe and steer clear of any family games that may make players gang up on someone with a shovel, strangle that person to death, and bury their body in a shallow grave in their backyard.