In an effort to distribute more vaccines to the public, the CDC announced yesterday that they will be employing professional darts players for the new drive-by vaccine initiative. This comes after criticisms of the inefficiencies in the mass vaccination sites that result in increased waiting periods, supply shortages, and being subjected to insufferably long and loud Yo-Yo Ma concerts.

We talked to one of the CDC’s new vaccine distributors, Kyle “Bullseye” Turquoise.

“I originally got into the professional darts scene because I’m a deeply weird person, but a couple weeks ago I got an email from the CDC saying I was needed in this new vaccination program. They took me and a few other darters to a vaccination site where people would roll down their windows and stick out their arms and we’d hit them with a filled syringe. Compared to a stationary dartboard, this was a bit more difficult. Many of us were out of practice so the first couple shots we sometimes accidentally got them in the side of the face. But once we got the hang of it, we increased distribution by 200%. I know that this effort can sometimes seem insurmountable, but when things seem tough, I always think about how many people I’ve saved from having to listen to Yo-Yo Ma.”

We also talked to Leslie Nash, a recently vaccinated person and a new patron of the “Monocles and Eyepatches Emporium” about her drive-by vaccination experience.

“I was really excited about getting my vaccine through the new method. It seemed so much easier, you don’t even have to stop driving or even get out of your car, it’s so much safer. Unfortunately my vaccinator may have been a bit rusty with all the bars being closed. All I saw as I drove past was a flash out of the corner of my eye then there was this searing pain… I hear eyepatches are in now though so I guess it’s for the best.”

At press time, the CDC announced that they will also be employing a coalition of little cousins to help vaccination efforts after realizing that they could fit syringes into Nerf guns.