In a controversial new law passed earlier this week, the Georgia state legislature has mandated that 20-foot hedge mazes be built in front of majority-black districts’ polling stations. This comes after several unsuccessful attempts to pass new voting laws in light of the 2020 election, or what Georgians are calling “Socialist Tuesday.” We interviewed the mastermind behind this law, Jonathan F. Lee, earlier today.
“The issue was,” Lee explained, “that people were illegally voting by the droves. People can always use fake voter IDs, so I had to come up with a better way to make sure our elections are fair and secure. So eventually, I realized that we should test people’s integrity in a more meaningful way: by forcing them to solve complex hedge mazes so they can vote. We decided completely arbitrarily to station these hedge mazes in front of majority-black districts after a coin toss” (It should be noted that we discovered a map on Lee’s desk with certain districts circled and labeled as “BLACK: PUT HEDGES HERE”). Some people claim we’re being discriminatory, but this is what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. This and slavery, but we had to compromise.”
To test the hedge mazes to make sure they are secure, Georgian officials will send children into them by enticing them with candy. If the children find their way out, officials will know the hedges cannot prevent voter fraud. However, if the children cannot escape, the hedges will be approved for use in black voting districts. This, stated Georgia officials, is the most efficient way to make sure that only the most well-informed and legitimate voters will be able to cast their ballots. That being said, registered Republican voters will be allowed to bypass the hedge mazes by displaying at least three pieces of Trump merchandise.
These new measures have sparked harsh criticisms from Democrats across the country. They argue this new law sounds a lot like Jim Crow-era segregation, only slightly more blatantly racist and much more physically taxing on would-be voters. Bernie Sanders was found earlier today mumbling, “why didn’t we just let them secede'' repeatedly while pacing around his office. Additionally, moderate Democrats in the Senate are calling on Georgia to replace this law with a less restrictive piece of legislation, such as a short US history test or a small poll tax.
In addition to hedge mazes, the Georgia Senate will also soon vote on a law that will require minorities to cast their mail-in votes by carrier pigeons sponsored by the NRA. More on the story soon.
