This year’s graduating members.

Name: Dale Bell
Job Title On Resume: Founder And Editor-In-Chief Of The Best And Only Semi-Student Run Sort Of School Affiliated Website Publishing Only Satire In The Bethesda Area
Actual Job Title: Loud Talker Who Writes A Little At 1 AM
Quote: “Yes it’s in Iowa but it’s top 15 goddammit. TOP 15!” or “Denied.”
Circumstances Of Departure: The circumstances of Dale’s departure are shrouded in mystery: Some say that he walked into an Iowa cornfield and never returned, absorbed by the corn. Others, that he ascended into the higher IB realm after finally achieving complete mastery of all the learner traits. Still more say that he was just a satire obsessed ghost, a view supported by his semi-translucent pallor. But probably he just exploded into a whirling storm of rage and pretentiousness after someone pitched an article employing meta-humor.

Name: Sebastián Valderrama
Job Title On Resume: Pre-Professional Digital And Pen-To-Paper Artist Of The School Mascot And Also The Baron
Actual Job Title: Baron Artist
Quote: “What.”
Circumstances Of Departure: Sebatián was eaten alive by his own painting when art found out he betrayed it for theater. There was a lot of fake blood involved, especially when the theater then discovered he was going to backstab it for mortuary sciences.

Name: Bill Angell
Job Title On Resume: Senior Correspondent On Entertainment With A Specialty On Live Theatre
Actual Job Title: He-Who-Does-Not-Show-Up-To-Meetings
Quote: “Did you know Willy Wonka dies at the end of the 2013 musical Charlie And The Chocolate Factory? Yeah. That was a weird one.”
Circumstances Of Departure: Bill was eventually told that there was nothing more than life to theatre, eventually leaving in a trance after the staff threatened to eat him.