Critics are raving about the new iPhone 12: it’s sleek, it’s lightweight, it’s aesthetical, and it only costs the affordable price of your firstborn.

The new iPhone became available to the public a few weeks ago and was an instant success. Apple reported receiving more than sixty thousand infants, and in cases of pre-orders, sperm and egg cells, within the first twelve hours.

At a press conference, Tim Cook was asked about how he came up with such a cutting-edge idea:

“We really took into consideration the concern that prices were really high on the last iPhone,” said Tim Cook, “we really want to appeal to everyone - not just the rich. Anyone can have a firstborn, and we think that allowing people to use that resource is a huge step in closing the divide in income inequality.”

Even more inspiring were the thought provoking questions he posed to The Snitch in a one-on-one interview such as “who are you?” and “how did you get in my house?”

Who are we indeed readers? But perhaps the most impressive response of all was Cook’s answer to the popular question, “what are you going to do with all those people?”

“I’m glad you asked. We here at Apple think it’s important to diversify people’s life experiences - especially cultural ones - and to advance that mission, we have decided to give these children a wonderful taste of the Chinese labor experience.”

Cook then proceeded to explain his plan to enrich the children’s cultural understanding,

“They’ll have the great luck of assembling Apple iPhones,” he explained, “they’ll get to work sixteen hours a day doing what we love, and they’ll even get two bathroom breaks!”

This article includes several jokes about child labor. The Snitch in no way advocates child labor, unless Apple gives us a kickback.