We at The Snitch are proud to announce the advent of a new series “Today In History,” articles that would have been published by the Snitch should it have existed. We decided to start off with an easy one, an account of Mr. Levine slashing students tires. Now we could have posted this article on any day when Mr. Levine still worked at B-CC, or even during the three years of Levine’s lack of approval of our posters, but we’ve decided to publish it today, a semester after his departure, for no damn reason.

Students in third period today were shocked to look out their classroom windows and see a visibly agitated Mr. Levine crouched down next to junior Kelly Mitchell’s car. Levine, red faced and soaked with sweat, appeared to be trying to slash the car’s tires with a pair of safety scissors. Mitchell had, for several weeks, been parking in the student lot without the required student parking permit. After several minutes of trying to puncture the car’s tires, Levine appeared to give up and content himself with scratching his initials into the door. Students returning from Starbucks reported that Levine had begun moving towards senior Tyler Heller’s car (Heller had forgotten to renew his permit from 2019) and was mumbling:

“Goddamnit, I go on the morning announcements every day, all I want is a little respect here.” At press time Levine was sprawled on the hood of Heller’s car and appeared to be carving obscene images on the hood. When asked by Snitch reporters if he could just have the car towed, he muttered what could only be described as “an unintelligible mumbling” before kicking in the windshield.

Dr. Mooney was sighted by the main entrance sipping a mug of coffee, observing Mr. Levine. When cornered by reporters, he attempted to escape by putting on a fake mustache and saying he needed to “have a conference with Donna” - the meaning of this is unclear as Dr. Jones departed several months ago.

At the time of printing, Mr. Levine is still out there.