After narrowly escaping arrest for months, police have finally rounded up the infamous Math Teacher Terrorist, Calvin Callous. “Mr. Callous” has been traced back to an onslaught of math-related crimes wherein police had to solve traditional math problems to save lives. The most recent horror attributed to Mr. Callous involved runaway trains, hostages, and, in keeping with Mr. Callous’ modus operandi, Algebra.

Mr. Callous reportedly rerouted the tracks of a train (traveling 40 mph) from New York and a train (traveling 60 mph) from Chicago so they would collide at some midpoint. The police were baffled on how to solve this issue; passing highschool math was not a prerequisite for the Police Academy. Luckily for all those aboard, this exact question was already answered on Course Hero and the police arrived at the trains’ intersection just in time to circumvent the locomotive catastrophe.

Another incident that has been attributed to Mr. Callous includes strapping a bomb to a Ferris wheel and sending the police a sine graph to figure out which car the bomb was in.

At press time, Mr. Callous’ reign of terror was finally brought to an end when he was seized by local police while bulk buying inordinate amounts of produce at the local Costco. Hopefully, we can now be free of his crimes of math destruction.