Saying that they believed that this new event would be a breath of fresh air and help with ratings, the International Olympic Committee released a statement yesterday laying out their plans to include “hunting fellow man” as a new event debuting in the 2024 Paris Olympics.
To learn more about this momentous decision, we sent Snitch Reporter Caleb Levy to the Olympic Committee’s private island in the Caribbean, where he secured a meeting with Committee Chairman Zaroff.
“It is our mission to educate and entertain people without discrimination. Before, only a select few elites on private islands, much like this one, could participate in ‘the most dangerous game.’ But with our announcement, we can open up this noble sport to prospective athletes from all backgrounds,” said Zaroff while cleaning his big game gun and looking pointedly at Caleb. “Say, you look like a sharp young man. Does anyone know you’re here?”
The Olympic Committee has received almost universal praise for its dedication to democratizing sports. They have also received praise for making the Olympics “cool” and “hip” for a younger generation, with a recent study finding that the inclusion of “hunting man” as a new event was 75% effective in increasing interest and sating the sadistic bloodlust of an average Gen Z-er, while older people hail the move as “a return to the good old days.”
On a related note, we recently received notification from Olympic Commissioner Zaroff that Caleb had decided to stay on the island for the foreseeable future to work on a longer story. We wish him luck in this new and exciting endeavour!
