The peaceful atmosphere of Meadow Lane was shattered yesterday morning as, after a particularly rough first week of the virtual Theory of Knowledge class, IB junior George Barnhill was dragged straightjacketed from his room, loudly screaming “Nothing is real!”
Barnhill was first discovered by his parents, who became concerned after opening his door to find him curled up in the fetal position muttering “Objective reality is a lie. There are no facts, only interpretations.”
Barnhill’s parents asked him what he wanted for breakfast, to which he responded: “Breakfast is a mere construct forced upon the weak-willed by society. I have finally gazed into the great chasm that we call reality. People may say I have gone mad but that is only their perspective. To me, I have gone sane. Do we have any pop-tarts?”
Barnhill returned to the fetal position after his parents told him that there were no pop-tarts. His parents, worried, called the MCPS counseling hotline. After being on hold for three hours, they finally got the counseling department to send a “highly-trained psychiatric team” consisting of four student assistants from the lacrosse team armed with a straightjacket.
We here at The Snitch feel that it is our duty as guardians of the community to let you know that one in three IB juniors suffers a complete mental breakdown after having their sense of reality annihilated by the Theory of Knowledge class. There is no known cure, and the only known treatment is writing articles for The Snitch. If you find yourself feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed, or find yourself questioning reality, please contact us right away.
