Apollo Capital, the innovative new brokerage that’s making waves across Wall Street, announced yesterday that their remarkable success is based on the unconventional paradigm of relying entirely on Tiresias, the Blinded Oracle Of Thebes, for investment advice.
For more on this story we spoke to Apollo Capital CMO Ezra Eliot:
“We tried numerous strategies to outperform the market: predictive analytics, pin the tail on the mutual fund, trend analysis, human sacrifice, market manipulation, that stock choosing fish, insider trading, and voodoo. None of these had any effect on our portfolios, and we forgot to feed the fish for a weekend and it died. But everything changed when one of our brokers was on vacation to ancient Thebes and we found Tiresias, the Blinded Oracle Of Thebes, stuck in some dead-end job working for King Creon. We jetted him over here, got him a penthouse, and our performance has been up over 12% ever since. He’s a real team player. I talked to him just yesterday; he gave me some sweet stock picks and then told me to beware of my assistant Jonathan… but I’m sure that’s nothing.”
Apollo Capital’s strategy has caught on in the investment world, with Ameritrade, Vanguard, and Charles Schwab all sending delegations to the oracles at Delphi and Trophonius. This may signal a wider trend with big brokerages giving up the fickle and inexact process of financial analysis for much more reliable divination techniques.
At press time, we tried to secure a follow-up interview with Mr. Eliot, but it seems he recently disappeared, and we were referred to Apollo Capital’s new CMO, Jonathan Mycena.
