Today we are issuing our second Philosophy Smack advice column.

Are you having problems at school? Do you need advice from a group of learned philosophers who can answer questions while also sharing their personal approaches to life? Well, in our new column your questions are answered by the most brilliant thinkers of their time. Immanuel Kant, Niccolo Machiavelli, and Thomas Hobbes give you their practical insights into your life and help you with your problems. Are you wondering how, since each of them is dead, we got them to write for our paper? You really don’t want to know.

Question From Jessica Pryer: Hey, I’m really stressed about the college search and my SATs and I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to deal with that stress?

Immanuel Kant: Look, I’ve got plenty of advice, but no one cares. The second you saw my name you thought you knew everything about me because you watched the damn Good Place. Well guess what, I don’t even want to help you!

Niccolo Machiavelli: To conquer the many headed beast that is the college search you must wrench power from the hands of the colleges, use all of your guile. I recommend wearing a Harvard shirt to any college tours as an intimidation tactic.

Hobbes: The college search is nasty, brutish, and short.