Are you having problems at school? Do you need advice from a group of learned philosophers who can answer questions while also sharing their personal approaches to life? Well, in our new column your questions are answered by the most brilliant thinkers of their time. Friedrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, and Thomas Hobbes give you their practical insights into your life and help you with your problems. Are you wondering how, since each of them is dead, we got them to write for our paper? How about we focus on you. 

Question From Jonathan Wallace: Hi guys, I’m having some trouble with my IB Bio homework, and any help you can give would be appreciated. 

Nietzsche: In the great howling soulless chasm which is the universe, both you and your IB Biology homework are inconsequential specs of nothingness to be forgotten almost as quickly as your own meaningless life. 

Freud: Your pathetic obsession with the help and opinions of authority figures like us leads me to believe that you were hugged too much, or not enough as a child. 

Hobbes: IB Biology is nasty, brutish, and short.