Today we are issuing our third Philosophy Smack advice column.

Are you having problems at school? Do you need advice from a group of learned philosophers who can answer questions while also sharing their personal approaches to life? Well, in our advice column your questions are answered by the most brilliant thinkers of their time. Aristotle, Sigmund Freud, and Thomas Hobbes give you their practical insights into your life and help you with your problems. Are you wondering how, since each of them is dead, we got them to write for our paper? It would blow your mind.

Question From Madeline Wells: Hi guys, I’m writing an essay on Oedipus Rex by Sophocles and I’m stuck, what should I do?

Aristotle: A woman writing? What kind of madness is this?!

Sigmund Freud: Unfortunately Sigmund Freud was unable to comment on this question. After hearing it was about Oedipus he had a joy induced heart attack and is currently in intensive care.

Thomas Hobbes: Such essays are nasty, brutish, and short.