Today we are issuing our fourth Philosophy Smack advice column.

Are you having problems at school? Do you need advice from a group of learned philosophers who can answer questions while also sharing their personal approaches to life? Well, in our advice column your questions are answered by the most brilliant thinkers of their time. Diogenes, Kierkegaard, and Hobbes give you their practical insights into your life and help you with your problems. Are you wondering how, since each of them is dead, we got them to write for our paper? It involves oranges, sunglasses, and a good attitude.

Question From Frederick Hesse: Hi! I’m having some trouble motivating myself to get homework done and it’s starting to affect my grades. What can I do?

Diogenes: I find that running naked through the streets while barking at people really helps me to become centered and get work done.

Kierkegaard: I believe that your characterization of the self as something that can be extrinsically motivated is incorrect. Hope that was helpful!

Hobbes: Homework is nasty, brutish, and short.