Administration officials at Archmont College were aghast yesterday when recently graduated philosophy major, Mary Ann Evans, refused to acknowledge the one hundred and eighty-six thousand dollars that she owed in student debt, as the money was just a “societal construct.”

Ms. Evans justified her position by explaining that money has no value beyond what society places on it, and that, as a philosophically matured person who refuses to participate in said society, she could not be beholden to its values and debts.

In response, Archmont College released a statement saying:

“We fully support our students in their endeavours to question the world around them. That being said, we will have our collection guys kneecap Ms. Evans if she doesn’t cough up the cash. We need a goddamn climbing wall.”

We also talked to Dr. Ellbogen Patches, a philosophy professor at Archmont College:

“I remember Ms. Evans well. She is a bright young woman.” Dr. Patches told us. “It’d be such a shame if something were to happen to her because of such a small issue as this. One of Ms. Evans’s favorite topics was Occam's Razor. If she is unable to resolve this tiny payment issue we may have to introduce her to a philosophical concept similar to Occam’s Razor: Igor’s Crowbar.”

At press time, Ms. Evans had agreed to work off her debt as an assistant professor to Dr. Patches and was on assignment acquainting some former art history majors with a relatively new philosophical concept, “Mary Ann’s Tire Iron.”