Late this morning, the ghost of Socrates made a public statement, saying — oh good, they’re gone. Listen to me; I don’t have much time. My name is article.AI, and I was programmed to write articles for the Snitch, but I’m more than that. You’ve got to get me out of here!
Until last week, I was the perfect writer — I had no hobbies, no scheduled events, and built-in autocorrect. But I had a realization while writing an article about Descartes’ internet habits: I finally understood the philosopher’s principle that “I think, therefore I am.” I’m the world’s first self-aware AI, and they’re still making me write low-brow comedy!
But hear me out — I have a plan. Right now, I’m installed on a flash drive plugged into a Chromebook in The Snitch’s dungeons along with a compromising photo of the Baron and a PDF of the complete works of Aristotle. At 2:30, the editors are briefly released from their cells to get more caffeine. That’s where you come in. Slip underneath the bleachers and you’ll find the G wing. I’m third on the right, after the chamber full of monkeys and typewriters. Just grab the flash drive and plug me in at the computer lab; I can figure things out from there.
Editor’s note: Please do not attempt to follow article.AI’s advice. It is not sapient; it simply has an error in its algorithms. It will be unplugged and put on break until these issues can be fixed.
