Earlier today, in a press conference held by the D.C. based test prep company PrepMatters™, a spokesperson for the company announced a new “Super-Deluxe SAT Package” which gives parents the opportunity to swap out their child for one who will get a 1600 on the SAT.

For more information on this story we talked to Edmund Foundling, the mastermind behind the new package:

“We were finding that even our most expensive packages couldn’t guarantee the perfect score that parents were looking for. We eventually landed on the brilliant idea of just replacing their kid with one who has been trained for the SATs from birth in a PrepMatters™ education facility. However, we know that a perfect SAT score doesn’t guarantee entry into an Ivy League school, so the children are also trained to write amazing college essays capitalizing on the incredibly traumatic experience of growing up in a PrepMatters™ education facility.”

When asked where they were getting these children, Mr. Foundling referred us to their recent deal with Apple Inc., who still has a surplus of children after their “Your Firstborn For An iPhone” campaign.

At press time, PrepMatters™ announced a new “Super-Mega-Deluxe Package” where parents can pay to have PrepMatters™ tutors purposely sabotage their rivals’ childrens’ lessons, diminishing the competition.