This week marked a monumental milestone in the advancement of public education. Just two days ago, Mark Thatch, a computer science teacher at Bethesda-Chevy Chase High School, set an incredible teaching record, taking only nine minutes and fifty three seconds to share a file with his whole class. The Snitch was able to interview many of his students the day of this tremendous achievement.

“The whole class erupted in applause!”, said Violet Sanderson, a sophomore in Thatch’s class, “I was so proud of Mr. Thatch. I’m sure we all were”.

Another student of Mr. Thatch, Marco Sintéz, said “I just can’t believe how lucky we all are to have such an efficient teacher!” He remembered the initial wave of shock, and then the thunderous cheers that followed the teacher’s momentous achievement. “I was so seized by the realization of the decades of progress made that I cried”, he added.

We here at The Snitch attempted to get an interview from the now-record holder himself but were unfortunately unable to as his feat had required colossal effort and heavily strained his mind. “He needs rest”, insisted Mrs. Thatch, “he can barely move.”

At press time, the news of this historic event had spread worldwide, with many challengers announcing their intent to beat the record in the coming months, despite doctors warning that any time short of nine minutes and fifty seconds may cause substantial brain damage.