Local man James Dilham announced yesterday that others in his community feel “so much safer” whenever he hauls around his military-surplus assault rifle to pristine restaurants, boisterous community get-togethers, and his neighbors’ children’s exciting birthday parties without any prerequisite training or forewarning.

We interviewed Dilham about his gun toting habits:

“Don’t you feel safer next to me?” said Dilham as he pointed the barrel of his safety-disabled, loaded firearm at the head of our reporter indicatively. “Sometimes people don’t want me around to protect them so they can add a little excitement to their lives,” continued Dilham “so they ask me loudly to leave, something to the effect of ‘get the fuck out of here you maniac,’ even call the cops sometimes because they feel unsafe without me; it’s quite amazing how I can protect our quaint little community. A lot of uneducated liberals say that guns are the problem, but they’re actually never the problem according to my research from … uh … nra.org. A good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun!”

As of press time, Dilham successfully stopped a “bad guy with a gun” when he accidentally shot himself in the head while cleaning his weapon. He will be remembered as a hero.