According to a bulletin published in last week’s Smithsonian Magazine, Bethesda-Chevy Chase High School may be looking to rent out some or all of the National Zoo’s five California sea lions. Though many have questioned the actual logic of this decision, the B-CC administration cited the propensity of the thousand-pound aquatic carnivores to clap loudly and exuberantly. We contacted B-CC principal Dr. Mooney to hear the reasoning behind this odd decision:

“Students just aren’t showing enough interest at pep rallies. So, I was thinking,” he said, “what motivates high school students to do things that they would otherwise never dream of? Well, if being the principal has taught me anything, it's that the greatest teen motivator (after near-crippling anxiety) is peer pressure,” he explained, citing the MCPS health curriculum. “I hoped to channel that with the animal world’s greatest clapper — the sea lion.”

Mooney extolled the virtues of the pinniped, stating, “They can achieve a rate of almost 600 rounds of applause a minute even when watching class tug-of-war. And they only eat about $2,000 of fresh fish a day, a mere fraction of what it costs us to feed our students! Say, they’re very clever, too … could probably raise the average test scores … give me a moment.”

Reports indicate that planning for the next revolutionary pep rally has begun. It will be structured similarly to other pep rallies, but with a twist (the twist is that everything is the same except the sea lions have reserved seating). And of course, now that Homecoming has happened, B-CC staff are hoping to bring the proposal segment to the next level, with no less than eight guys paying actual money to ask a girl out.

As of press time, several students have taken extended leaves of absence. The B-CC administration assures us that Maritime Exchange Students from various zoos and aquariums will take their place.