Note: This article was the winning submission of our Satirical Writing Contest and has been left untouched since submission. Congratulations Daniel Rosentover!
The administration of B-CC High School recently adopted new measures to prevent students from leaving during the 8th Period. The new procedures, referred to as the Student-oriented Plan Ensuring Caring Teaching and Real Engagement (SPECTRE), hopes to keep students at school until the final bell rings. The new infrastructure will consist of a 20ft wide moat completely enclosing the B-CC campus. Around 20 Great White sharks will be introduced to the moat in order to stop students from simply swimming across. The administration has announced that the sharks will be genetically engineered to survive in freshwater, as well as to increase their killer instinct. In addition, snipers have been mounted on the B-CC roof in order to prevent any students who make it across the new moat.
However, not everyone is on board with the new plan. Felix Webb, The contractor hired to complete the project says that B-CC principal Dr. Shelton Mooney has unreasonable demands for the completion of the project. “He asked us to install 100 TW lasers on all of the sharks’ heads, and to construct trapdoors in various rooms that, when triggered via button, cause people to slide into the moat.” Webb says he told Mooney this would extend the project’s timeline by several weeks and that in response Mooney simply said it would “be in his personal interest” to accelerate the timeline and then handed him a picture of his pregnant wife.
B-CC students also have their doubts about the plan. B-CC Senior Shmisa Shmahl says that the measures were too extreme, and didn’t take into account extenuating circumstances. “I have an abbreviated schedule and need to leave early on B days, but the massive mechanical drawbridge doesn’t extend until 2:30,” she complained. Shmisa also claims that her boyfriend was shot while trying to leave school early for a doctor’s appointment.
When interviewed about the criticisms of the project, Dr. Mooney stroked his Persian cat while slowly rotating his chair away from looking out the window. “I think you will find, Mr. Rosentover, that I simply have the best interests of all the students at heart” he said, pausing to chuckle to himself while stroking his cat, “8th period is a crucial time for Social and Emotional Learning, and the SPECTRE project will ensure that all B-CC students will be able to reap its full benefits.” He then tried to change the subject away from the project’s shortcomings by critiquing the Snitch’s journalism saying, “I can’t have you and your nosy friends continuing to ask questions.” When asked if he expected the Snitch to forsake its high principles of journalistic integrity, he replied, “No Mr. Rosentover, I expect you to die.” He then pushed a button on the underside of his desk, when nothing happened, he muttered “damnit Felix” under his breath and gestured to leave his office.
Editor’s Note: The writer went missing shortly after writing this article, and his severed ring finger was mailed to Snitch headquarters. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please call 1-800-THE-SNITCH. We’re starting to get worried.
