Early this morning, Heavenly sources confirmed that, like every other year, Saint George and Saint Patrick - the patron saints of England and Ireland - had gotten soused and were fighting it out on the lawn right outside of St. Peter’s gates.
The altercation reportedly started when, in celebration of his feast day, Saint Patrick broke into Saint Vincent’s communion wine and got absolutely plastered, then, in a drunken stupor, egged Saint George’s cottage. Saint George was similarly drunk, for unrelated reasons, and after several cartons of eggs had splattered against his home, leaned out a window and reportedly screamed:
“AY, ya barmy git! You run outta snakes to fright already you Irish bastard! I killed me a dracon in my day. That's a snake, but BIGGER AND BETTER!!”
To which Saint Patrick reportedly responded:
“WHY DON’T YA COME DUN HERE AND SAY IT TO ME FACE!”
After the sounds of crashing and a torrent of profanity from inside Saint George’s home, he stumbled out of his cottage dressed in stained and ill-fitting armor, the sight of which caused Saint Patrick to keel over laughing. Saint George, enraged by the derision, shattered a garden gnome over Saint Patrick’s head.
The brawl has so far covered half of heaven and has only taken brief breaks for the two paragons of virtue to break into Saint Arnold of Soissons’s brewery for more booze, and to ding dong ditch Saint Peter’s mansion, before resuming after Saint Patrick puked in Saint George’s helmet.
The heavenly smackdown has also had earthly effects as a small South American town has reported a strange and holy “blood rain” that cured several diseases. This may be related to the stint in the fight where Saint Patrick pinned Saint George down and knocked out two of his teeth. The Vatican has dispatched a team to investigate the potential miracle.
At press time, God dispatched Saint Suitbert of Kaiserswerth and Saint Denis of Paris to end the fight. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect, uniting both the saints as they immediately turned their drunken fury on “those damned continentals.”
