Late this weekend, the intrepid Dr. Nobel left NASA’s time travel institute headquarters at 2:02 in the afternoon, returning ten minutes later after having spent a day in the Jurassic Period. Surprisingly, the experiment seems not to have had any effects on the timeline, disproving once and for all the theory that travelling to the past would cause a butterfly effect.

This is a massive success with huge ramifications for the scientific community as a whole. One scientist was quoted by our ever-incompetent Managing Editor Dale Bell as saying “This is huge. The possibilities are endless, ranging from scientific revolutions to time-tourism. Just imagine — within decades, Spielberg’s Cretaceous Zoo could be a reality!” Dr. Nobel, while excited that the experiment had worked, seemed “uncomfortable” and “spaced-out” to her colleagues. Though she appears to be healthy, Dr. Nobel will be taken to the Gore Presidential Hospital for a full check-up.

Government response, both in the United States and abroad, was near-universally positive. The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences is rumored to already be planning to give Nobel and her team the Bofors Prize in Physics. However, the research has not gone without criticism. World powers like China, the USSR, and the Republic of Wales criticized the actions of the team as “reckless endangerment of time as we know it” in a statement released soon after the experiment was released. In spite of this, Soviet leader Vasily Stalin conceded that “the efforts of the Americans are… impressive.”

At press time, our glorious leader Caleb Levy is investigating ways for the Snitch to access the time machine, saying “As the most popular newspaper in the world, it is vital that we constantly expand our reporting horizons.”