Dear Dave from Domino’s Pizza: this is not just a threat. It is a promise. Late last night, after stranglin’ a rival mobster with piano wire, I sent my right-hand man Sneaky Giovanni to get me some pizza. I had been promised by your website a pipin’-hot tray of delicious pizza within thirty minutes. And yet, when the pizza was delivered, it was a sub-par mockery of my Italian-American culture: a lukewarm slice of cardboard coated with cheddar cheese. Disgustin’. So now I’m givin’ you another time limit. I have found your full name and address online. If you do not make a pizza worthy of bein’ eaten by me, Big Giuseppe, I will send a hitman after you, and you will be tortured and killed.

You may find-a yourself wonderin’: why does Big Giuseppe, famous Bethesda mobster and leader of the Stromboli crime family, care about chain pizza? It is because, my dear Dave, I care about my heritage. Yes, you may think of me as just another sociopath who likes to smuggle drugs and torture my enemies for fun (which I am), but I’m also a proud Italian and New Yorker, and I will not see my culture erased by a teenager working part-time to pay for PS5 games.

So, just what did you do to this pizza to make it so offensive to me, Big Giuseppe? I’m sure you’d like to know, considering that you’d better improve if you want your skull without a hole in it. This was the worst pizza I have ever had the displeasure of eating, and I’ve chopped up someone who betrayed me and eaten them as pepperoni. Yes, the crust was exactly like cardboard, the cheese like rubber, and worst of all, it was topped with pineapple. This displeases Big Giuseppe. Maybe some customers will tolerate this, but I will not.

So, the terms of our agreement are simple. I will send my hitman, Moist Luigi, to capture you and imprison you in a fully-stocked Italian kitchen for twenty-four hours. You will be provided with a recipe for authentic Neapolitan-style pizza, and when the time is up, I will eat it. If it is good, you will be set free and given a check for one thousand dollars and a brick of cocaine. If not? Well… that’s what Moist Luigi is for.