Yesterday, in the wake of several workers’ rights accusations against him and his company, Elon Musk announced his new plan for unionization requirements. The new plan requires that workers wanting to unionize must answer three riddles.

“To increase mine pay for thee, thou must answer these riddles three,” stated Mr. Musk in a cryptic message earlier today. “Only then shall my respect for thee suffice, that I may grant thou humans’ rights. This shall not be easily done; thou shan’t laugh or have any fun. But I believe this to be a fair task for what you petty ‘unionizers’ ask.”

Musk claims that this procedure will allow workers to unionize only if “they are worthy.” Elon Musk’s definition of “worthiness” is still up for debate, but commentators are assuming it means something along the lines of “unwavering loyalty to my company until the day you die.” We interviewed Tesla employee Mark Hartman earlier today to gauge his opinion of the situation.

“Yeah, this whole thing seems a little illegal to me,” Hartman admitted, “but I don’t mind. Did you hear what happened to the guys at Amazon when they tried to get a union going? Three hundred of them protested, but only two lived to tell the tale. Legend has it Jezz Bezos sicced his tactical air strike drones on them. In comparison, three riddles doesn’t seem too bad. Plus, if we do get a union started, I might be able to go to the bathroom and see my family again.”

Musk has stated that those who correctly answer all three of his riddles will be allowed to unionize. However, if they ever tell another soul what the riddles were, Elon claimed “those will be thy dying words.” The meaning of this phrase remains up to interpretation.

Elon Musk has also suggested that if his workers are unwilling to answer his riddles, they may instead sell their souls to him. While this move may be controversial, many of Tesla’s workers have assured the press that working at Tesla long enough will erode your soul anyways, so selling it is not as bad as it seems.